Dave, a friend of mine
posted a question on Facebook yesterday that got me thinking. Why would a question get me going…because it
is the second time he has asked me a deep, meaningful and life changing question!
There comes a time when we
stop jumping at shadows… and get real!
The first one, posed some years ago was ‘what are you getting out of playing victim?’
I was shocked…it was like someone had thrown a bucket
of cold water over me. Yes there was a lot going on in my life at that time,
yes I had had some major challenges…in fact I had written and self published a
book about them.
Yet I was still stuck in
what I now call ‘victimhood’. I did not recognise it then, I had come so
far…but not far enough. I seemed to be in a space of thinking “I have faced my
challenges’ life will be fine now. Nooooooooooooo it wasn’t, and nooooooooooo
facing one challenge does not conquer all.
The ‘meaty’ bit is learning
strategies so you handle the next challenge better. Have you noticed that life
simply keeps giving us a better class of challenge…a bit like the Universe
saying…Ok let’s see how you handle this one! Hence the value of a strategy and
process to assist you becomes invaluable.
Do I get it right every
time? I wish….. or do I? For years I thought I was Manager of the Universe no
one could get along without me! What a shock when I realised I was a mere
mortal. Speaking for me…my challenges have been wonderful stages of growth.
Now don’t think I am going
soft and considering sitting on the verandah in my slippers and spend the rest
of my days knitting…Just saying the Universe manages extremely well without me.
Back to yesterday’s question
–
Is vulnerability our most accurate measurement of
courage? Ah ha! this is when I
discovered my education was lacking…I decided to ask Mr Google the question and
….discovered it arose out of a TED talk by Brene` Brown.
This is the one that inspired me!
After a TED talk Brene` says
she had the worst ‘vulnerability hangover’ ever after sharing. ‘There are parts of us that want to play
small, to stay under the radar’ and her research has led her to the statement
‘vulnerability is out most accurate measure of courage’
There is a connection with
deeply embedded shame which is described as the ‘swampland of the soul’ – it is not about building a home and live
there with shame but to put on some galoshes and walk through and find our way
around.
Shame comes forth with the
“I’m not good enough’, and ‘who do you
think you are’ – when we can quiet that
down and say ‘I am going to do this’ that shows your vulnerability and courage
is your getting up and having a go.
Shame is about self (I am
bad), guilt focuses on behaviour (I did something bad).
Brene` was asked what about men? That is relevant to me…I have often been asked why I
work with women...don’t I think men have issues to. Of course they do…I simply
thought my skill base was relevant to women…yet I have helped many men also. I
definitely value the men in my life.
Here was her answer in brief - Shame by gender – for
women – do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. There is a
web of unattainable conflicting expectations of who we are supposed to be. It
is like a straight jacket. For men shame is not about unattainable conflicting
expectations it is ‘do not be perceived as weak’
Brene` talked about connecting with each
other…research was do women need to do to conform to female norms – tops
answers were nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for
appearance…for men to conform to male norms the answers were - emotional control, primacy of work, pursuit
of status and violence.
To find our way back to each other we have to
understand empathy…empathy is the antidote to shame. Shame needs 3 things to
grow – secrecy silence and judgement. If you dose shame with empathy it cannot
survive.
The 2 most powerful words when we are in struggle are
‘me to’.
How often do we think I will
do it when I am perfect and bullet proof…it actually never happens like
that…when you get in there perfection is not what we want to see…we want to be
in there with you, sitting across and connecting.
How often have you thought I
would rather die than do X, Y, Z …….remember...what does not kill you makes you
stronger.
.
My take from here is how
powerful showing your vulnerability is, and how that powers your
courage…perfection is an unattainable ideal…whatever you do just get in there so go for it! Be the
real, authentic and vulnerable you...that’s right a courageous woman making her
difference in her world.
I would love to hear your
thoughts on vulnerability and courage.
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