Make love not porn

Eekkk you say… what is she up to now! A friend posted this video clip make ‘Love Not Porn’, a TED talk by Cindy Gallop. Thanks Hari as it brought forward something that has been on my mind.  

Cindy is right out there…This post will not be for everybody yet I say from my heart.  I am coming from an openness in what I have seen reflected in societal attitudes since becoming a widow ten years ago. If we as women can’t be open, honest and supportive of each other then I think that is very sad.





Cindy’s video clip is below so you get the meaning of where I am going. A comment on her  website www.makelovenotporn.com. is: This site is not about judgement, it is simply intended to help inspire and stimulate open, healthy conversations about sex and pornography, in order to help inspire and stimulate more open, healthy and thoroughly enjoyable sexual relationships.

Now back to my thoughts. It came as rude shock to me when I started on the dating scene again after almost 40 years. Things were a little different! OK no surprises there! What I was not prepared for was the crudeness which appeared to prevail is some men, particularly when I went on the dating sites.

My beautiful husband treated me with the utmost courtesy and respect at all times, that is what I was used to. A bit of trivia, we  met as a blind date, I was nursing and Les rang the quarters looking for someone to be his date to attend a sugar industry dinner ... I happened to answer the phone. It was even stranger that I would say yes, because I tended to be less then sympathetic to these enquiries. What was different that day?  Would you believe - politeness and manners! He said who he was, what he was in town for and what the function was…I opened my mouth to say ‘no’ and ‘yes’ came out. The rest is history!

On reflection, I consider that internet dating is rather like an updated version of the old blind date.

Yes we married and had a wonderful sensual and intimate relationship, however that was then and this is now! And…before I upset someone, I hasten to add I have also met fabulous men, amazing guys, some of whom have remained friends and are my greatest supporters. This is not a male bashing exercise! In fact can you imagine a few guys sitting round having a beer with their mates and saying I met this tall slim blonde from Nambour and do you know what she said!

I have even written and delivered a humourous speech on my internet dating experiences. It goes over very well, for some reason my persona does not appear to fit with internet dating which ramps up the laughter and enjoyment!  There is no doubt; I am a real woman talking about real life experiences! Oops getting side tracked…it can be summed up as the good, bad and the ugly. Just like in real life huh? Well almost!

To this moment I had not quite put my finger on it… Cindy did, it is like hard core pornography has replaced sex education and many men think this is how you make love. Women particularly those who have come out of a relationship or lost their partner may find themselves feeling vulnerable…I know I did. And it was like… is this what happens now??????

An example to demonstrate, a guy in his 40’s (one of many) made contact with me and his opening comment was…

Do you like to f***

I went back with - ‘What happened to hello?’

His retort was – ‘Hello do you like to f***

At this stage I thought his conversation skills a tad limited and his pick up line a shocker! That ended that…my point is this may offend some women, especially if they are in a vulnerable state. I am strong enough to say it is not acceptable.

Are we as a society becoming de-sensitised to crudity and pornography? And are men thinking this is how you make love, and women thinking I have to pretend to like it? Is it time for open and honest communication where the conversation becomes real? No, not a war but rather a conversation lead with gentleness, discussion and connecting but real and gutsy!

I am certainly not sitting in judgement on anyone, we all have a choice, we make choices and your personal choices are for you and you alone. I make my choices and they are for me alone.

It is however where my re-discovering sensuality for the mature woman stems from. Are you as a woman confident enough to say was is acceptable or unacceptable sexual behaviour? Do you realise you do not have to feel pressured by any man into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable? To say with confidence anything mutually agreed to and based in reality and pleasure is Ok for me but not to be a prop in someone else’s movie!

I would love to know that women had the self confidence and the knowingness of their own sensuality to say how they feel. Could your role be to be a guide in allowing men to discover or re-discover sensuality and then benefit from an experience of delicious and exquisite pleasure?  

For those of you who are Mums are you prepared to have an open discussion with your husband, sons and daughters?  I am actually going to have this conversation with my adult granddaughters; I will be very interested to hear their views.

We have an opportunity to live, be and pass on the very essence of sensuality. Here I ask you…’how have you developed and kept alive your sensuality’? What gems can you pass onto family, dates, spouses, sons, daughters to demonstrate the power and beauty of sensuality and sexuality?

Now I can’t go on and on and not give you an example so I will close off with these thoughts on demonstrating sensuality. If you have better ideas please…do share!

Sensual for me is making eye contact over a nicely set dinner table while savouring a delicious meal and a lovely wine (and ice of course). You enjoy the little touches and caresses that you know are not leading you to bed, at least not yet, but which make you feel like you have his full attention. The specific place is not that important, although some places are naturally more geared toward creating the atmosphere you want, it is more about the ambience, the feeling you get from being in that place at that time with that person. The promise of what is to come…and not yet delivered.

Sexy is watching a hot guy with a great body hose off bare chested after a hard days work. Sensual is watching that same man fully dressed sucking whipped cream off a strawberry when he does not even know you are looking and is therefore not putting on an act for you.

As a mother, grandmother, single, married, lover, spouse or friend…whatever you role you have a unique opportunity to make a difference…are you up for it?

With that in mind girls…what is your next sensual move? Whatever it is I encourage you to be firm, feminine, alive, vibrant… oohh yes, and remember to be your magnificent sensual self!