Sunday, 21 July 2013

3 Questions To Ask Yourself When You are Tempted To Say... Yes!


Have you ever found yourself saying yes...when you wanted to say no? You find your confidence flies out the window, you squirm and out comes yes! 

You know what is coming next...Then you say. why, why did I say yes, I don't want to do it, it does not suit me, I promised myself next time (insert your x,y,z) happened I would be strong and confident and say no!

You too huh? 

I had started writing this blog post on Friday just before a client arrived. Almost word for word below is what was happening in her life right now!  She was blown away that I had nailed exactly what she was going through.

I am often asked this question of 'why do I say yes when I want to say no'... by clients... and I respond with 3 of my own. 

Do you think that saying yes will make people like you?
Then do you ‘beat yourself up’ and feel resentful even angry? much has that cost you emotionally, physically and financially?

Do we think people will like us if we say yes? 
Yes...we do! That is why we do it! It warms our little heart to feel needed, to hang onto a friend, a job or relationship? Commonly called 'people pleasing' we mistakenly do think people will 'like' us if we always say yes.

Then do you ''beat yourself up' and feel resentful even angry?
Yes, sometimes you open your mouth to say 'yes' and 'no' comes out.  When you do,  it leaves you feeling used, resentful, made a convenience of and feel you and your time are not being valued. Then you get angry first at the other person then at yourself. many of us have become so good at 'beating ourselves up' we have turned it into an art form!

And now the biggie - 
How much has that cost you emotionally, physically and financially?
Is your answer lots? Maybe right have not considered the cost to have probably been too busy switching between people pleasing and beating yourself up!

Emotionally - the resentment and anger eat away at you, you lose your sparkle, feel you are at everyone's beck and call. That drain can slip off into anxiety, lack of confidence in you and your ability ( a biggie when you are constantly asked to do the 'what everyone else does not want to do' sort of things). This can start the spiral of lack of self worth and  lack of self esteem. You feel you are not being valued.

Physically - because you are now feeling beaten down you tend to shrink, withdraw, shut down so one will see you are hurt. The emotional cost becomes a physical one, your body will tell you...but and are you listening? Your breathing becomes shallow, you slink around and doubt your value. You may be plagued by physical ailments from simple to serious even spiral into depression.

Financially - this covers many points, if you are not happy and well then  it is reflected in every part of your life including your work. That may affect your performance, your attention and concentration and even getting a promotion. The cost includes medical bills, loss of work and negative effects on a relationship. 


Eeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, let's not slip off into victim land....I understand deeply how this can happen, you are not alone. And yes... it happened to me to!

Three things you can do:

1. Recognise that this is what you are doing and make a decision to do something about it. Acknowledge that you can say ‘no’ – it is just a two letter word.

2. Start today saying no to little things The first time you muster the courage to say ‘no’ it can raise the fear factors of ‘I can’t do this’ or worse ‘what if they hate me’ or ‘what if my mouth goes dry?’ The next thing, that budding confidence has wilted and you know you have talked yourself into saying ‘yes’ again and you repeat your negative cycle.  That is your fear factor rising, so start small and acknowledge your successes. 

3. Seek some support - to develop your confidence and self belief. Confidence coaching is a great place to start. No, it is not abut shouting from the roof tops about how good you are, rather to develop that inner calm, knowing confidence in who you are and what you offer. To develop the habit of saying no when you need to and being OK with it.  And bring some lightness and laughter back into your life.

I have helped many people over the years to learn how to say ‘no’ and they have found a level of confidence, self esteem and self respect that they had only dreamed about. I help take away that overwhelm so You then make the best decision for you. – say and mean that things are going to be different and you can say  confidently to yourself  ‘I can do this’, I can say No!


If I could help you take away that overwhelm...and feel confident in saying no... what would that be worth to you? You make like to take a peek at and see what is on offer.

As always I love to know you have been, so do ... leave a comment or share if you see value in the content. I would love to hear your experiences...


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